‘My boyfriend felt guilty, so went back to his wife and now I’m devastated’

Dear Coleen

My boyfriend and I were together for over a year and very much in love. I was single when we met and he was in an unhappy marriage. His wife found out and threw him out and we moved in together.

For a few months, everything was great, then we started arguing over his relationship with his ex and their children. I think the problem was he could never get over the guilt of leaving his family for me. Things did improve for a while and we even talked about marriage once he’d sorted his divorce.

Then a few weeks ago, out of nowhere, he dropped the bombshell that he wanted out of our relationship. He said he’d had a heart-to-heart with his teenage kids and they’d begged him to come back.

He was very upset when he told me and claimed he still loves me and feels bad about hurting me, but said his mind was made up. He’s back living with his family now and hasn’t been in touch, and won’t reply to messages.

I’m still in our flat, feeling devastated and hoping he’ll come back. I’d appreciate some advice on how to move on from this mess.

Coleen says

The way you got together was never going to be a good ­foundation for a relationship – an affair plus children in the mix to complicate things more.

There’s no doubt an affair is often a symptom something isn’t right in a ­relationship – it’s a thrill, it’s sexually exciting and it’s an escape from real life.

But once things are in the open and it becomes real, then you have to deal with the fallout, and it often doesn’t have the same appeal.

He’s clearly made the ­decision to work on his marriage and to try to put his family back together, so I think you have to accept that and let him get on with it.

I’m sure the reason he hasn’t been in touch is he knows he can’t do it if you’re still in his life.

Maybe it won’t work out and he’ll come back, cap in hand, wanting to try again with you, but you’d need to be sure that he’d ended his marriage for good this time.

And would you be able to trust him and be willing to risk getting hurt again?

He’s shown you he’s unreliable and that he’s able to lie and cheat. I’d say you’d be risking a lot.

My advice is to stay focused on the future and what comes next, and put all your energy into yourself and your network of friends and family. Yes, it hurts, but you can get over it and you can meet someone who’s not married and is free to have a relationship.

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